Why Writing About Birth Hurts Me
If you have been following me as a writer for years, you will know that when I first started to blog many of my posts were about childbirth. Natural childbirth, the rising number of c-sections, and really anything that went along with birth.
In the past I worked as a doula, coached friends and family members through childbirth, and of course dove into any book on the topic I could find.
When I thought I was done having children I made the choice to become a Lamaze Teacher. I took the course, completed it and got my certificate and have been putting off sitting for the official exam. It was an unexpected pregnancy, a birth, work, life… everything that has put it on the back burner.
But the truth is… thinking about, blogging about, talking about natural childbirth or pregnancy and childbirth as a whole actually hurts. Like really emotionally hurts.
I know it sounds silly but the fact that our family is complete has really moved me away from the topic as a whole. I find it so incredibly hard to talk about pregnancy and birth, and see all those adorable, tiny new babies when I know that will never be our family again.
Between that and the fact that no matter how hard I tried to give birth to all three of my children, my body is just… broken. After my last two labors, one being a 27 hour VBAC attempt in which my midwife described my body as “laboring like a boss” my pelvis just stops the baby dead in its tracks. None of my kids dropped down into the pelvis. Not even a little budge. NOTHING.
It was about two months ago when I was talking on the phone with my midwife again about my labors and knowing that I am comfortable with the fact I had 3 c-sections now, that she told me…
“Danielle, between you and me, if you were to have been around back in the 1800′s and tried to give birth, you would have died. Or the baby… or both.”
Something which had given me a bit of reassurance in the back of my mind after my third c-section. I went into labor on my own and no matter what that baby wasn’t making a stride through my vagina. Period. None of my kids ever could have.
I am secure in the choices I have made for childbirth including having three c-sections at this point. I know it is what was necessary for safety at this point.
But that doesn’t mean I am not an advocate for natural childbirth, safety for mothers all over the world, safe choices in maternity care… and the list goes on. I want to complete my Lamaze certification, but right now… for me, it is all just too painful.
I believe our country needs a serious comprehensive overhaul of the maternity care system, as well as insurance overhaul. We need serious tort reform, and major overhauling of the maternity care recommendations. We need evidence based health and maternity care being practiced. Simple!
Do I think natural childbirth is best? In the vast majority of cases.
But writing about it truly makes me sad. It makes me upset I am in the small portion of women that truly do need c-sections. I am sad I will never experience a natural delivery. I am sad that people look at me with a nasty look because I am a natural birth advocate and I have never given birth naturally.
You don’t need to give birth vaginally to know what the statistics and medical research say. You don’t need to give birth vaginally to know what is safe. You don’t need to give birth vaginally to know there is too much outside intervention in birth today.
I miss writing about birth. I do. I promise, I reallllly do.
And I am working through my own hangups on the subject so I can bring the best possible information to the readers who have stood by me over the years!
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Tags: advocate, birth, C-section, childbirth, Lamaze, natural childbirth
I understand about it hurting…. I’ve had secondary infertility for nearly 12 years now…. and despite the intense desire to have more children (I have 2 sons, one will be 14 tomorrow and the other turns 12 in July. I was diagnosed with PCOS shortly after the birth of my younger son) it just hasn’t happened.
So yeah, I understand the emotional hurt… for me it leads to intense physical pain as well.
Thank you for sharing this! It takes a lot of courage to be so open about the pain and hurt you are feeling…and very well may continue to feel. It took me, what feels like forever, to have some body confidence after having a preemie baby followed by two ectopic pregnancies. I didn’t think I could keep my babies in…and in the right place. I was a mess for the next pregnancy. But it does speak to our connection with our bodies and how some medical procedures, when used in the right situations, can truly be lifesaving – and for those moments, I am thankful.
Be gentle with yourself, surround yourself with love and support, and take the healing time you need.
I can understand. As a mom and RN. To start with my daughter she was growth restricted and I needed to be induced…I was HELL bent it would be natural but after 28 hrs adn them manually manipulating my cervix to open I begged for a spinal…the kicker…It DIDN’T work! It may have taken the pain down a notch or 2 but I was walking with it! I delivered a 5 pound 3 oz baby girl (healthy and perfect) after 38 hrs of labor! I did ask for a c-section and thankfully the Dr on at that time (who also delivered me) said no…it’s not what YOU REALLY want! I am now pregnant again with a son who is a miracle…I have secondary unexplained infertility and needed ART (artificial reproductive technology) to get us this miracle. I am once again going to try for a natural childbirth. I feel the pain of knowing you will not have another baby as I felt it for 8 months and I am sure I may feel it again. As I told my hubby…I am not saying we are done I am saying I am extremely happy with one of each!
Giving birth is not about a baby coming out of your vagina. You say you’re a doula, do you tell your clients they haven’t given birth if thier baby doesn’t come out of their vagina? It doesn’t make you less of a woman, mother, etc. It makes you a person that had to have a C section to have a healthy, living baby! People need to stop with the ” if the baby doesn’t come out of your vag, then you didn’t give birth” crap. Nothing will EVER change in the birthing world as long as that mentality is still around.
@Jasmine Marie – No, I do not tell my clients that. But I have had people in the birthing community as well as the internet say they would NEVER take childbirth classes or have a doula who has never GIVEN birth (vaginally) herself. I am not the one who put that out there, I am comfortable with my choices in childbirth. Comfortable enough to know without those c-sections I wouldn’t have ANY kids. But it doesn’t make me feel any better when there are dozens of people out there who make you feel crappy or like you are missing out or less of a woman because you didn’t have a homebirth or give birth vaginally. I agree that nothing will change with that mentality. I have been outspoken about that for years! It is not about how or why it is about SUPPORT.
Hey, Great article. I am truly sorry for your c-sections… Don’t you feel like there should be a sympathy card for a C-section mom? I do know from experience that A C-section can be great motivation for being a natural birth advocate. And in the future when people throw the “People would have died if it weren’t for C-sections” you can respond with, “Yes. I would have! But most people DON”T need them, and this nation needs some maternity change!!!!!”