Why Writing About Birth Hurts Me
If you have been following me as a writer for years, you will know that when I first started to blog many of my posts were about childbirth. Natural childbirth, the rising number of c-sections, and really anything that went along with birth.
In the past I worked as a doula, coached friends and family members through childbirth, and of course dove into any book on the topic I could find.
When I thought I was done having children I made the choice to become a Lamaze Teacher. I took the course, completed it and got my certificate and have been putting off sitting for the official exam. It was an unexpected pregnancy, a birth, work, life… everything that has put it on the back burner.
But the truth is… thinking about, blogging about, talking about natural childbirth or pregnancy and childbirth as a whole actually hurts. Like really emotionally hurts.
I know it sounds silly but the fact that our family is complete has really moved me away from the topic as a whole. I find it so incredibly hard to talk about pregnancy and birth, and see all those adorable, tiny new babies when I know that will never be our family again.
Between that and the fact that no matter how hard I tried to give birth to all three of my children, my body is just… broken. After my last two labors, one being a 27 hour VBAC attempt in which my midwife described my body as “laboring like a boss” my pelvis just stops the baby dead in its tracks. None of my kids dropped down into the pelvis. Not even a little budge. NOTHING.
It was about two months ago when I was talking on the phone with my midwife again about my labors and knowing that I am comfortable with the fact I had 3 c-sections now, that she told me…
“Danielle, between you and me, if you were to have been around back in the 1800′s and tried to give birth, you would have died. Or the baby… or both.”
Something which had given me a bit of reassurance in the back of my mind after my third c-section. I went into labor on my own and no matter what that baby wasn’t making a stride through my vagina. Period. None of my kids ever could have.
I am secure in the choices I have made for childbirth including having three c-sections at this point. I know it is what was necessary for safety at this point.
But that doesn’t mean I am not an advocate for natural childbirth, safety for mothers all over the world, safe choices in maternity care… and the list goes on. I want to complete my Lamaze certification, but right now… for me, it is all just too painful.
I believe our country needs a serious comprehensive overhaul of the maternity care system, as well as insurance overhaul. We need serious tort reform, and major overhauling of the maternity care recommendations. We need evidence based health and maternity care being practiced. Simple!
Do I think natural childbirth is best? In the vast majority of cases.
But writing about it truly makes me sad. It makes me upset I am in the small portion of women that truly do need c-sections. I am sad I will never experience a natural delivery. I am sad that people look at me with a nasty look because I am a natural birth advocate and I have never given birth naturally.
You don’t need to give birth vaginally to know what the statistics and medical research say. You don’t need to give birth vaginally to know what is safe. You don’t need to give birth vaginally to know there is too much outside intervention in birth today.
I miss writing about birth. I do. I promise, I reallllly do.
And I am working through my own hangups on the subject so I can bring the best possible information to the readers who have stood by me over the years!