They Say Death Gets Easier… They Lied
This was the last photo I took with my sister. I sat at her bedside as much as I could in the end. Holding her hand, sitting in a uncomfortable hospital chair at her bedside with my head on her lap. She had always been my comforter. No matter what happened whether it was high school heart break or when I found out I was pregnant with my oldest son. She was my rock. In the words of Meredith Grey – she was my person.
No sibling ever wants to sit vigil at her bedside, as did our entire family. Making sure no matter what she was never alone.
Today I pulled into the parking lot of Ben’s pre-school where this time last year I sat and cried as I watched the clouds pass by, lifting my sister to the heavens as the church bells sounded. In a moment I haven’t had since then I broke down hysterically. Tears streaming down my face, gasping for breath like I did then.
Everyone tells me that it will get easier over time. Today I am calling bullshit on every last person who has said it. It seems like the more time that goes on, the worse I feel. The more moments that pass by wishing my sister was here watching her niece and nephews grow up. The more moments in my life I wish I could call her with big news or just to bitch about something, like we always did.
I think when people say it gets easier, and life will go on, what they really should be saying is… you find a new normal. You learn to go without the phone calls, or physical touch. You replace that need with something or someone else. Which I haven’t been able to do. There is just nomoving on for me.
Like all siblings we had our fair share of fights. Who doesn’t? But no matter what we always loved and took care of each other, because that is what family does, and that is how we were raised. I just wish now more than ever… she was here to take care of me.
I wanted to share this new Avett Brothers song which came out on September 11th with their new album The Carpenter. When I heard it, I broke down hysterical because every word was true for me.