I Just Want Her to Be Free
Most of my readers know I lost my sister in October. It was sudden after we all learned the extent of how sick she really was. (Including her)
All people mourn in different ways. Some people hide their sorrow in a bottle or a glass of wine and others like myself dive into work and children to keep their mind going long enough to make it through the day. Often when my kids are in bed for the night I have my moments fueled by quiet, my thoughts and always a song that reminds me of her bright spirit.
My sister was 15 years my senior and when I was 18 months old and extremely sick the only person who could comfort me was her. This really held true for most of my life.
She was always frail and petite — it was just what we were all used to. We knew she was sick but it wasn’t something we talked about or shared. No one knew what the exact diagnosis was and most of us were just too polite to pry. It wasn’t until the end of July when my sister got increasingly ill that I laid in bed with her and my daughter and we talked like old times.
I knew at that moment I needed to become her advocate. And I did. I jumped to action demanding the best of care, options and argued for hours with the hospital and her insurance company. The way they treat terminally ill people with sub-par insurance is absolutely disgusting, but that is a whole post for another day!
It wasn’t until two months into it and finally having her in a hospital capable of treating her that we learned there was no coming back or recovery for her. There was no course of treatment at this point — it was just too late. I still haven’t come to terms that there was nothing we could have done… It has been five months since she passed and I still refuse to believe it.
This is also around the time that my sister really lost the ability to speak or do much of anything. She could get out words sometimes — but the last time she spoke around me she had asked my mom to have me bring Addison to the hospital — her last words to me were “I love that beautiful baby”
She could squeeze your hand to make a point, and that is how it was till Mid-September when she slipped into a coma she never woke from. During all this I kept telling myself there is a reason for it all and in the end she won’t be in anymore pain. There were days you could just see how much physical pain she was in despite the hospice pain management.
It was a bright and sunny morning on October 7th. I had gotten up in my usual Friday morning routine. Dressed the kids and got them read to head out to school. I dropped Camden off 
off, went to Dunkin’ Donuts for a coffee and drove home. On mornings I had my babysitter I would typically pick her up and head to the hospital where she would watch Addison and Benjamin while I would sit with my sister. This morning J wasn’t available for some reason or another so I headed home armed with my coffee and a sleepy baby who would enable me to tackle my to-do list like always.
It was around 10:15am just shy of two hours before I had to go and pick up Camden and my phone rang.
When I saw the called ID with the hospital’s name on it my heart sank because I knew what the call was. It was my mother who does not have a cell phone using the hospital line to call me and tell me my sister had passed. Before I even picked up the phone I was hysterical as was my sweet mother on the other end. The words couldn’t even come out and we both just sat and cried for what seemed like an eternity. In reality it was roughly a two minute phone call.
I wiped my eyes and called my husband.
I was useless.
I was a wreck.
And all I could do was get to my sister. I needed to get to the hospital. I needed to kiss her. I needed to say goodbye.
He called his boss and left work and we both went to pick up our oldest from school. By this time we were late.
As my husband walked into his pre-school which is in the basement of a church — the church bells started ringing. As I sat on the ground of the parking lot and looked into the sky I could see so clearly through the bright afternoon sky. The clouds almost parted and the sun shined so warm on my face. I could see her. As insane as I may sound — I could see her flying up to be the angel she truly was meant to be.
In my head I still needed to get to the hospital but in reality it was just too late. She wasn’t in her room anymore, my mother had gone home and Dawn was alone. Off to the the cold funeral home. Alone.
My biggest regret to this day was not making it to her in time to say goodbye.
I wanted my sister to be free.
I wanted her to finally be at peace after being so sick for so long and having so many ups and downs. One year she would be perfectly fine — healthy and having a baby and at the blink of an eye her life was coming to an end.
Death is something final that I refuse to acknowledge. I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that she is not coming back. I try to call her, I leave her messages on her facebook page. I just can’t let go.
Some have and others are trapped in grief. Like my mother.
I wish I could free her just like my sister was freed of the pain she lived in.
It is so selfish of me to want her here with us. Because I know she lived in pain for so many years.
I own my selfishness because *I* was not ready to give up my sissy.
I was not ready for my kids to say goodbye to their fun Auntie Dawn.
Death sucks.
But I guess it is something we all need to learn to accept at some point in our lives as we grow old ourselves.
I think finally being able to get this out has been a truly big step in my grieving process.
Now I just want to help my mother.
How do you help someone to grieve the loss of their daughter?
There just are no words. I see her and some days she is just an empty shell going through the motions.
I just want to hug the shit out of her and show her how much she is loved.
I just want her to be free.
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Wow Danielle, no words to express how I’m feeling right now, I just went back 5 months ago, just around the time when I was about to give birth! I’m truly & sincerely sorry for your loss! You sure are a strong woman because I would be devastated! My only sister lives miles & miles away from me! I haven’t seen her in 16 yrs simply because I haven’t been able to afford such an expensive flight & it breaks my heart to know that only $ is what has us separated! I would literally die if I go through this!!!! God Bless You & Your Mother, because losing a loved one is hard nevermind losing a sister and even worse a Child!!!
i am so sorry for your loss danielle, i am crying as i write this, i don’t have siblings and i have no experience in loosing someone so close but i admire you for your strength, i am sure your sisters spirit is with you and your kids every step you take and that your spirit and love was with her in her last hours, i am sure she felt your presence even if you didn’t make it to the hospital in time, you are a strong women…
All I can say is…hugs. I’m there with you. It sucks big time. We have to embrace our memories and keep on going. Xoxo
*hugs* What was her diagnosis, if you don’t mind my asking?
@Maria – She had a brain infection. She was first told she had a stroke and exhibited all the symptoms of a stroke victim.
But the hospital she was at was not equipped for a real diagnosis of her infection as it is rare. Two months later we found out
it was far more serious than getting her into physical therapy and rehab for a stroke.
Oh my goodness.
Hi Danielle,
I’m so sorry for your loss, but I know you are a very strong person. I do believe that your sister became an angel at the moment you looked up at the sky. That was amazing to read.
This post is so beautifully written. I understand how cathartic writing can be. It helps me all the time.
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Oh, Danielle.
My heart hurts for your family.
My mother lost a child too and even after all these years, I can still see the pain in her eyes.
All I can say is just be there for your mom, just like you already are. Listen, cry, and laugh with her.
xoxo
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I am so sorry for your loss, Danielle. I don’t have any siblings, so I cannot even begin to know what it would be like to lose one. I hope you and your mother can find support in each other and comfort knowing that she will always live on in your memories. Again, my deepest condolences.
I’m glad you shared & this helped you heal. As with any loss, the effect will never completely leave you but in time you will think ONLY of the beautiful times you shared with her and let the painful memories of her illness disappear. Please know that even strangers are thinking of you and your family tonight with love and good wishes <3
Hugs to you & your mother. Are either of you raising her child or is the dad in the picture? Hope everyone is helping keep her memory alive for her child.
I have been in the position of not being there when an important person in my life passed away. It’s been over 10 years and I think about it very often, it’s still painful. Your sister seems like a beautiful person, sorry you had to go through this.
Both of her boys are with their father’s. I am fortunate enough to continue to maintain a strong relationship with her 15 year old. I wish that I could do the same for her youngest boy. I am sure in time the right thing will happen though.
I am so sorry for your loss. You did a good job in describing the loss of a loved one. I have a sibling and he battles with substance abuse. So many times I have freaked myself out about his impending death. I don’t know what’s worst, a sudden death brought on by an illness or a death that one has been waiting to happen but can’t do anything to help from happening “too soon”. My brother is alive but his spirit and mind are not. His spirit has been dead since he was a young teenager. It is the saddest thing to watch a loved one perish. Just know you are not alone with your sad thoughts. I feel so bad for you and certainly for your mother. I believe “the experts” say the toughest emotional tragedy is the loss of a child because it is just really un-natural. Kids aren’t supposed to go before their parents. My only advice is be strong for your mom. You have three lovely kids to keep your spirits bright and your mom will hopefully in due time find a way to grieve and move on. Has she tried therapy or grief groups? It helps to NOT feel alone when such tragedy occurs. I remember the first few times I went to Al-anon. I just sat in the back of the room sobbing listening to people’s stories. It took a while before I could even introduce myself. There is a balance in getting those feelings out and trying to appreciate the goodness in your life. I believe in the after life and I believe in angels watching over us. I’m sure your sister is watching over you and very proud of you. None of this stuff will ever make sense but hopefully you can find some closure in the coming months and years so that you can celebrate your sister’s life, memory and legacy. My deepest sympathy and condolences.
I am so very sorry for your loss, Danielle. As a mother, it’s almost inconceivable to understand the pain your mother must have been and is still going through. The same goes for being a sister (I have one 10 years my senior). What do you do with the pain when it doesn’t want to let go? I’ve heard people say it gets easier with time, but I don’t think that’s true. I think it just changes. When I lost my grandparents (who pretty much raised me) a few years ago, I mourned, but I thought I’d let it go as time when by since they had been in pain and wanted to be free of that. How could I deny them that? Now though, I miss them probably more than I did before because my daughter never got to even meet these wonderful people. She’s seen pictures and heard stories, but she’s never had my grandfather steal her nose. She’s never baked cookies with my grandmother. And that makes me sad. We all have our own way of grieving, even if it’s FEELING the pain and living with it. That doesn’t make it wrong.
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She is there waiting for you. One day you will reunite and be happy together. But now, make your sister happy and live your life !
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You made me cry. There is a name for when someone loses a spouse (a widow or widower) or when a child loses both parents (orphan) and in some languages there is a name for when someone loses a sibling. I don’t know of a name for when a parent loses a child. Maybe it does not deserve a name. I pray for your mother. May the light that still shines reveal itself so she can find a way to live with the loss and find some joy with you and all the other blessings still in her life.
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Hi Danielle,
I read through your post and it immediately resonated with me. I was stuck in my grief for my mom for eight long months. And even then it’s not something I’ll get over. Most days are good and I’m generally happy. Then there are just moments when I miss her so much I can’t breathe. Crying is infrequent. Sometimes movies are my trigger – especially when it’s a movie that my mom and I used to watch. She drove me crazy, but we were bosom buddies. This past Mother’s Day was my hardest so far and she’s been gone almost ten years. I didn’t want to celebrate the day at all. And I just stayed home with kiddo. I hung out with my father and the crew on Saturday night for dinner. We had a blast. I guess what I’m trying to say is that you’ll always miss her and as I imagine this post shows, you’re taking each day as it comes and moving forward in the grieving process. My mom told me something the ONE time I was alone with her during her illness. I asked her what I was supposed to do without her and she said, “Just live.” It took me a long time to get there, but I’ve been doing it. Not for her, but for me too. Huggles love. Please reach out anytime if you need to talk. Heiddi
<3
So sorry for your loss. Hugs.