Facing My Anxiety: A Story of Bullying
That girl over there… in the red. That was me, in high school. That was one of the very few school based events I went to. Why? Because I was pulled out of school my junior year.
Was I sick? No.
Did I get in trouble? No.
Did I have crappy grades? No.
Then tell us all Danielle, what was the problem? Inquiring minds want to know. (And believe me, some of the people who actually went to high school WITH me still want to know!)
I was bullied. To the point where my anxiety got so bad, I couldn’t even leave the house. It started really when I was in 8th grade and was just looking to “fit in” with any group of friends. I fell in with a shitty crowd and by the time I hit my freshman year old high school, I had broken away from the crowd and apparently made a couple enemies. Which didn’t really bother me, because when you blindly hate people over their looks, that makes you the shitty person… not me. (But, that is a story for another day!)
I started a club called SHS United. We had the sponsorship of my freshman English teacher who was one of the most tolerant teachers I ever met. The purpose of the club was to make a safe haven for all different students to be accepted. Whether it was the LGBT youth, the dorks who were made fun of, or those goth kids who wore nothing but black. I wanted to help everyone have that safe place and know they are all amazing people.
Well, apparently some people didn’t find that to be as good of an idea as I did. Mainly the kids who hated the gays, or hated the blacks, or hated the goths, or those who were different.
It was then the harassment began. Day in and day out I was followed from classroom to classroom by one specific student who identified himself as a “neo-nazi”. We will call him Taylor. Really he was nothing to be scared of. Maybe 150 pounds soaking wet, not much taller than my 4 foot nothing self, and not a harmful bone in his body. But he had an intimidating and frankly scary stare. He wore a trench coat in the year following the Columbine massacre, and while you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover… he scared the living shit out of me.
As the harassment went on, I repeatedly went to my school councilor, and the administration looking for help. No one helped me. For months, upon months. Two full school years. Then a month into my junior year… It all stopped.
I lost it.
It was the middle of the week, and I had just arrived back from the Aquaculture program I went to daily. This would be when my lovely fan club of one would follow me around.
As this boy followed me into my fourth period US History class, a class he was not a student in. I lost it.
I put my books down on the chair, and walked towards him. He grinned and laughed like he had just won a little battle. I wasn’t ignoring him anymore. I was giving him my attention. And in one swift move I punched him in the face. Stunned he stared back at me, onlookers shocked.
My best friend Monique (yes, the same Monique who guest blogged here two weeks ago) attempted to pull me away as I dragged this boy along with me. Hair in my hand with the other arm still flying.
Did I know what I was doing? Looking back, I knew that what I did was wrong and of course I knew I was probably in deep shit. But I couldn’t take anymore. I got to that point. Violence is never the answer and I still stand by that to this day.
The teacher arrived, a neighbor of mine who had known me since I was a little girl and of course doing his job escorted me to the principals office. By that point I was near catatonic. I couldn’t talk. I cried. For what seemed like days. I was never suspended, and it seemed at though it took that course of events to finally get the attention of the school.
By that point, it was way too late.
I was too far gone, and the best years of my life had been ruined by the petty actions of a bully.
I was pulled out of school and placed on home bound study by my doctor. I was treated with therapy and cocktails of pills that only turned me into an insomniac introvert that never left the house.
Six or so months later I started to function more, but I couldn’t step foot back inside that school. I went back to the Aquaculture school in the mornings. And the afternoons were with my tutor Mr. Rubin, an 80 year old World War II vet who told jokes like “Did ya hear? My grandmother had twins! … Twin lobsters!” Or “I’ll see you in the spring… when I get through the mattress” or the stories about how when he was a medic in the war, they would sneak women into the base in the ambulances. Classic.
The most social interaction I got was with this man, and my family.
By the time I hit my senior year I was functioning better. But didn’t go back to that school until the day of my graduation. I graduated by the way. Walked cap and gown with my class, which was probably the proudest moment of my life considering all I had gone through in those years.
After completing my high school education and turning 18, I made the choice to discontinue my care with the doctor as well as my therapist. Here I am, a decade later perfectly fine with the minor twinge of the occasional anxiety attack, no medication, and of course the life of a social butterfly.
I am not sure what the point of sharing this was today. Maybe it is in hopes that parents will watch their children’s behavior and hope they aren’t bullying others, or being on the receiving end of bullying.
Or maybe the overall message is for the adults out there who think bullying in any form is actually acceptable.
Either way, I can say sharing this will be therapeutic.
 |
Related posts:
Tags: anxiety, bullying, high school, my story
The bullies are the true cowards, just keep that in mind. Most often they do it in groups, they do it on the sneak, and they don’t want to be caught because they know they are wrong. You are so much better than them.
Violence may not be the answer, but I’m glad you cold cocked him. I wish you had done it before he completely screwed with your head.
I was never bullied to this extent but WAS bullied in junior high school for the entire seventh grade. Never thought to tell a teacher or an adult but just endured day after day of being chased home after school. It ended when she went on to high school while I remained in junior high. It was years before I even recognized it as bullying!
Good for you for what you did in retaliating but sad that it went on for so long and no one intervened.
I was in a similar boat in HS in that I nearly did not graduate from high school because of one person. He was my best friend and he was in the closet. The beginning of Senior year he was rotten. Always in trouble, bullying others with ‘snark’, antagonizing the shit out of people. But he never did it to me. We didn’t talk about what we both knew was his secret. I respected his space and, at the time, I thought he was grateful for that. That he could be whomever he needed to be without having to label himself. And he was my safe haven as well. From kindergarten through high school, I was mercilessly picked on for being overweight (I was spit on and physically attacked). It made me meaner than snake shit and still to this day it takes all I have in me to not raise those hackles at every opportunity.
We were two peas in a pod. Our senior year was shaping up to be the best year of my entire school career. We had each other and while we still suffered and struggled, we knew we had a safe place to turn to. That was until he came out to his family.
When he came out to his family, it was terrible. I didn’t know it at the time but his mother threatened to kill him and his father wished him dead. His brothers shunned him. His mother blamed it all on me. And when he showed up to school that day in front of our small crew of friends, he walked up to me as I smiled, happy to see him, and got inches from my face and told me he hated me and that his mom told him we were never allowed to see each other again.
He spent the next 7.5 months harassing me, lying about me and my family, getting others to gang up on me, and even vandalizing my car by smashing in the windshield while I was in a class. Finally, in one of the many classes we had together, he said something nasty (that I can’t remember now) within earshot of me. I pounced. I truly had no control over myself at that point. We proceeded to beat the hell out of each other. Neither of us were suspended but we were sent home for the day and each of us had to transfer out of classes.
While I was left bewildered and mourning the loss of what I still consider to be one of my greatest friendships, he was making a sport out of doing everything he could to drive me out of his life, the school and the town. By Spring, I was failing so miserably that the administrators took mercy on me and let me pass most of my classes with the lowest grades allowed to receive diploma.
In present day, I can admit that I became a bully later in life. It happened many years later online and in the form of what I like to call ‘misguided heroism’. I would stick up for people being bullied but in turn would bully people myself. I was the bully’s bully. I thought I was justified at the time but in reality, there was no justification for many of my harsh words. I can tell you with confidence that my experiences warped my senses of wrong and right and its something I work on all the time.
Danielle, you may not realize what the point of your post is but deep down, I think you know. He took away your trust in the world and your feeling of safety in a space that should have been anything but scary. He caused you to question the dependability of the adults that you were supposed to be able to count on. He, and anyone else that didn’t act on your behalf, stole what should have been at least marginally enjoyable years of your life (because lets be honest, high school is NOT the happiest years of your life).
The point of your post is that this person and all of those people that didn’t step up, they forever changed the landscape of your life. Your view on life, your personality, your faith in the world as a whole. You may not see it all the time – but the wrinkles and cracks are forever in the landscape of your life. But that’s okay – its who you are now and its the person that people, especially your kids, love.
You are changed but you are not a victim.
Wow. What a powerful post. I’m so sorry you went through that. I was bullied by a mean boy in junior high. No one did anything about it. Even my mom. He was so mentally cruel to me.
I remember the day I started 8th grade. I had just had an amazing summer – first boyfriend at camp, got contact lenses, had my hair lightly permed – everyone was telling me how pretty I looked that first day.
And I’ll never forget that this bully looked at me with disgust and said in front of the whole class, “You can get contacts and do whatever you want to your hair. But you’ll always be a loser.”
That was 25 years ago. I remember it like it just happened. That jerk made me cry at least once a week.
Recently my mom told me he lived in the same town and never married. Hmmm. Wonder why?
Thanks so much for sharing your story…
(Here from the I’m Going to BlogHer FB group – I’m a lurker there!)
I am so sorry to hear that you’ve had to deal with all that. I can’t even imagine, but I am so glad you received help and were able to graduate. I hope the boy who bullied you got help too (sounds like he needed it as well!) HUGS
I’ve been wanting to comment on this post for a few days, but haven’t been able to find the right words. I’m so sorry you had to go through what you did, and I’m so glad you have the courage to put out there what happened. I was bullied a lot in school as well, and also suffered from anxiety so severe that I would often miss school for long periods of time. It’s so sad to me that many of us go through this. It’s sometimes hard to know the line between teasing and bullying and when to ask for help vs letting something go. Thank you so much for sharing.
Dude, I’m sorry. I cannot fault you for clocking that prick. It’s what he had coming. The violence, what would have been wrong, was if you’d pulled out a .22 and unloaded on him. What you did was defend yourself. These days, kids don’t do that. They kill themselves instead. You are incredibly well-adjusted and perhaps maybe even a little more tolerant for what you went through.
I still suffer from insecurities sparked by the bullying I went through in grade school. It astonishes me how cruel we can be to other people.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. This post was something I needed to read, as my son experienced this same thing, but in 1st grade. He’s one of the only black kids in the whole elementary school and is bullied constantly. He’s such a sweet soul and it hurts my heat to see it happen. He ended up snapping during the spring last year and they immediately labeled him as the bully. His school gives us no support and i’m still not sure what to do about it. All he wants to do is fit in.
I hate that anyone has to endure the pain and suffering that comes along with bullying. And honestly, as a mother, it terrifies the shit out of me. To think of my son ever being bullied? I just can’t even go there. Huge hugs, and thank you for sharing your story.