A Childless Take on Your Kids – From Your Home Girl Monique
A Guest Post by Monique E.
After my girlfriend Monique wrote an awesome guest post about the drama over Gabby Douglas’s hair, I knew she would become a frequent guest poster on my website. I also knew she wouldn’t fight me on it because it would keep me off her back when it came to starting her own blog. If we are being serious though, she is hysterical and since I have known her for twenty two years of my life I am qualified to say that.
When she went off last night on Facebook about her friends kids, I begged her to turn the comedy of her long drawn out Facebook status into a guest post. I won, and she called me a brat. The following is a guest post from Monique E. on being childless, and her take on some of her friends children.
Please keep in mind this is a humor post and no children were harmed in the process.
After a stressful day, I poured myself a glass of wine and slipped my shoes off. It was quiet. No T.V. Just an occasional pitter patter of my pup Sox. After a couple of minutes, my girlfriend Danielle showed up with her husband, and her three beautiful kids. I sat back in my couch and just observed quietly for a few minutes. Camden was telling me that his grandfather was currently pooping on my car, Benjamin was demanding for jellybeans, and Addie was climbing up the steps which prompted her husband to get up every few minutes to grab her. And I thought to myself, Wow! These kids must keep them busy 24/7!
I admire my friends who have families. Unlike other people who secretly hate on their friends and family members who have successful marriages and drop dead gorgeous and healthy children, I am their NUMBER ONE CHEERLEADER. I admire the love and respect the wife and husband has for one another, and the undying love they have for their children. One day, I would want to settle down and have a family of my own. So having positive marriages and families is a plus and my hope that successful marriages and families truly do exist.
Now that I have gotten the mushy BS out the way, I will say this: Me being a single female with no kids, my patience is close to none and my tolerance level is running on “E.” With that being said, when my friends or family brings over their children to my home or if I am at their house…..I am truly…without a doubt…easily annoyed by the children. There are just certain things I’d like to say to the kids, but I wouldn’t want to parent anyones child nor would I want to hurt the kids feelings. They are children, they will be active, they will be brutally honest and most of all…they will be annoying.
Let’s keep it real Moms. There are times where you are in the grocery store, or you are at your friends house and your kid is acting up. And I know for a FACT you guys look at OUR expressions when your child acts up. Sometimes you may even wonder, “What is she thinking? She must think my child is NUTS!” Well Ladies, we do. And Moms, we are JUST as annoyed as you. Don’t get me wrong..I absolutely LOVE your little rugrats….but I am only a human…who’s single…with no kids. I’m not here to stroke your egos by saying, “You guys are superwomen!” because you should know THAT by now. It is my job to give you some insight on how we single childless ladies observe and feel about your kids in certain situations.
You can be pissed or get offended all you want. These are just a few things I would love to say to my friends children.
- Scenario: I’m on the phone with my girlfriend, and her children are wanting her attention. Although, they didn’t care about her when she wasn’t on the phone.
My Response: “It’s okay, see what he/she wants.”
What I really want to say: “Shut up and leave your mother alone! You didn’t care about her when she wasn’t on the phone! I’m trying to tell her about a hot date and you’re screaming about juice and cherrios. Sit……DOWN.” - Scenario: Your kid hits you in front of me because he wants to show out in front of company.
My Response: *Surprised look and stares at you to see if you are going to do something about it*
What I really want to say: “Hit your mother/father one more time and I swear I’m going to chop you right in your throat. He/She was my friend BEFORE she/he was your parent. I’m RIDE OR DIE. Remember that!!” *points at your kid and walks away* - Scenario: Your kid is crying for no apparent reason. What-so-ever!!!!
My Response: “Awww, he’s probably sleepy.”
What I really want to say: “Shut up, no one cares…..” - Scenario: Your child walks up to me, points and says..”I don’t like YOU.” Because you wouldn’t give him something.
My Response: “Girl, come get your kid he’s being disrespectful.”
What I really want to say: “Oh you don’t like me? Well your father tried leaving you at Walmart as an infant……” - Scenario: Your child is running a muck around my “non kid friendly” home.
My Response: “Sweetie don’t touch that.”
What I really want to say: “The boogie man just called. He said shit is about to get REAL if you keep touching my shit.” - Scenario: Your child says to me, “You’re not NICE.”
My Response: “Aw, what’s wrong?”
What I really want to say: “Yeah and you’re adopted….” - Scenario: I’m babysitting your kid and he/she cries and says, “I WANT MY MOMMYYYYY!!!”
My Response: “Don’t worry honey you’ll get dropped off tomorrow. I know you miss Mom!.”
What I really want to say: “And so does your father. You said you wanted a sibling right? Alright then. Shut up and go to sleep. I’m watching Family Guy.” - Scenario: You child climbs in my lap and yells in my face “What’s YOURRRRRR NAMEEEEEEE?!?!?!”
My Response: “Monique baby..”
What I really want to say: *deepens my voice* “Satan….” - Scenario: Your child has been mouthy, cranky and mean since the moment he steps FOOT in the house. He comes up to me and DEMANDS for my iPhone because he wants to play with it.
My Response: “Sweetheart you can’t have this.”
What I really want to say: “Little boy, get your juice stained fingers away from my phone before I chop them up and feed them to my dog.”
In conclusion, I have love for the rugrats. But my…..GOSH they can be annoying at times. I take my hat off to every parent that have the patience with these little rugrats. You guys are my heroes!
Thank you once again to Monique E. for guest posting on my site. I hope she will continue to grace my site with her hysterical input!
Monique E. is a single African American woman doin’ her thing.
She is a homeowner, billing specialist for a large local hospital, and the adopted mom of a Cocker Spaniel.
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Tags: childless, children, friends without kids
Oh my gosh, you are hilarious! I’m single and childless, so I can relate.
I am not single and not childless, and I have shocked some of my friends with the things I say to my kids. I am not inappropriate, but I don’t coddle. (Unless the situation calls for it). My kids know better than to act out in public. They know that when they are somewhere that is not home, they need to be polite and respectful. That being said, there have been testy times where I have shot one or all of my kids the “thousand yard stare” (former servers know what I’m talking about), and say in a stern voice that allows for no shenanigans “You little children best sit your butts down and hush up your faces before you get yourselves in trouble”. I get looks because I talk to my children like little grown ups with age appropriate answers. My 7 year old heard the word penis and asked what it was. I told her it was another word for her baby brother’s pee-pee. Well, she decides a few days later she needs to go to the bathroom and proudly announces that “I have to go to the bathroom and go penis”. I then had to explain that you pee in the bathroom, a pee-pee, or penis, is what her brother uses to go pee. Don’t worry, I’ve also explained it’s not a word she should run around screaming.
I kind of want to hang this in my cubicle, but that probably wouldn’t be appropriate as a CPS worker. And I just need to say that if anyone WITH children claims they don’t think these things sometimes, they are lying.
I am a Mom with 2 gorgeous girls and I want to some of these things to other peoples kids…… And my own!
lol- I loved this post! It just reminded me of all the obnoxious things I see kids do nowadays that would have never flown when I was young. My mom had “the stare”- the sort of look that never bodes well for any child who knows what comes after “the stare” and especially if said stare was ignored.
Great post!
As a Mom of 2 kids, 3 dogs, 3 cats and a husband, I STILL want to say this to a LOT to my friends kids.
It’s nice to know as a kidless person I’m not the only one who feels the same way about other people’s kids.
I’m at the other end of life, no little kids here & while that has it’s advantages, there are days I miss having children in my daily life. I don’t envy parents these days, not all. So many dangers & so many sets of eyes watching every move a parent makes or doesn’t make.
I am single/childless as well … at the age where a lot of my friends are starting to get married/have kids as well (mid-20s).
And I totally agree with this post! lol. I don’t necessarily babysit/come in contact with kids a lot, but it’s annoying when they’re screaming in public places – the mall, a restaurant, etc. – and the parents don’t do anything about it. I’m sure they’ve had a long/tough day as it is, but if your kid is behaving like that in a public place, at least take them outside or something while they calm down – esp. in the movies or a restaurant.